King Kevin Carlyon

imagesThis is an…interesting way to follow-up an article about religious tolerance to be sure. But, I felt I needed to point out one of the major exceptions to the rule: He of the Red Bathrobe, His Royal Majestic Nutjob, King of “All” Witches and Defender of Loch Ness, Kevin Carlyon.

Now, I’m nowhere near as good at writing full life biographies in one blog post as SME. Nor am I willing to spend the FORTY pages that King Kevin uses talking about himself on his own website [2] [3] [4] [5] (which, by the way, gives me a migraine. Man needs to hire a web designer).  For those of you not willing to read the massive post that will likely follow I shall sum it up. This is a man who believes he channeled the Loch Ness Monster a few years ago. This is a man who, when told he couldn’t bring his radio equipment on a plane, wondered why they then allowed him to bring his “supercharged” broomstick. This is a man who has called himself at different times “The Living God of All Witches” (literally just to add to the controversy over himself) and “The King of All Witches.” Think that gives you the gist? Good. Now I can REALLY get to the nitty-gritty.

Perhaps I should explain. I call him (His Royal Majestic Nutjob) King Kevin for a reason. Until recently, in every one of his personal websites, posts, and occasional interviews in the news he would claim to be the “King of All White Witches.” Of course, this got the Pagan community, especially the Wiccans, up in arms. Why? Well you see, a “White Witch” is anyone that self-identifies as a Witch and only does positive rituals. As a rule, Wiccans believe that “Dark Magick” or “Black Magick” does not exist. At all. Period. Therefore many Wiccans are thus classified as White Witches (or identify that way themselves). If that doesn’t mean anything to you, let me explain further. Wicca is the ultimate in decentralized religions. There is ABSOLUTELY NO ruling class/faction/person what-so-ever. Individual traditions may have some sort of ruling structure, as may individual covens, but the religion as a whole is leaderless. Therefore to say that you are the “King” or “Living God” of that particular group is not only insulting, it’s absolutely moronic.

So, having hit a bust with his attempt at claiming the non-existent “crown” of white witchcraft, King Kevin moved on to a broader audience. Witchcraft as a whole (side note: I may be out-of-order, he may have tried “witchcraft” in general first). Oh my Gods, someone please tell me where this man ordered his balls of steel, I want to blow up the factory. If you think “King of White Witches” was bad, “King of All Witches” much, much worse for obvious reasons. As much diversity as the title “White Witch” has (as I mentioned before, it does apply to more than just Wiccans), the uses of the title “Witch” spreads across nearly every culture in both positive and negative connotations. The uprising was nearly universal. Unfortunately, during this time, King Kevin apparently decided he wanted to be King of All Internet Trolls as well, for he named himself “The Living God of All Witches,” just to, “add to the controversy between other witches.”

During this time, Good Ol’ King Kevin got a LOT of air time, and I don’t mean on his “supercharged” broom. Every time there was an occult “issue” in the community, the media would flock to him (or perhaps he was the one doing the flocking) for the “pagan angle.” This nearly always consisted of talking about how whatever was going on looked like some “very dark magic” and that people should “be on the look-out” for “pentagrams.” It was also during this…interesting period…that King Kevin deduced that the Loch Ness Monster was, in fact, a spirit. He subsequently sought to “commune” with it using, get this, a pirated radio broadcast.


All right, first thing’s first. A symbology lesson. For those of you that don’t know, the image above can be called either a pentacle or a pentagram. It is the (somehow) official symbol of Paganism, as a whole, and even King Kevin himself wears one on a pendant around his neck. The difference is usually (depending on who you are talking to) that one is jewelry and the other is drawn. The problem arises when you add to the mix: ignorance, misinformation, and religious tension. You see, Satanism has…”borrowed” this symbol. In their version, however, it is worn/drawn with the single point down and double points up representing a goat’s head. Sometimes the image is stretched from top and bottom to enhance the resemblance. Also, the points frequently breach the circle. This usage of the symbolism is what causes the problem. Christians tend to refer to the Sigil of Baphomet (the true name for the satanic version of this symbol) as a “pentagram.” As a result there are some (very, very few) in the pagan community who refer to the Pagan Star as a Pentacle, and the Sigil of Baphomet as a Pentagram to avoid confusion when discussing their own religious beliefs and symbolism. This is the trap that King Kevin appears to have fallen into.


King Kevin…On A Boat…In Loch Ness.

So far as the “Nessie” story of King Kevin, I’m not completely sure how it ended. He intended to channel “her” on October 31st a few years ago. If you read Swallowing The Camel, specifically this post, you understand why that means I never got to hear how it turned out for him. This story is not why I brought up the loch. As it happens, King Kevin has a very storied history with Loch Ness. On his website(s) you don’t have to look too hard to find pictures of him performing ceremonies at the loch, and he claims to at one point have been named “Guardian” of said body of water by some local practitioners. It all smells very fishy to me, but maybe that’s just the loch.

So, after King Kevin’s bout with egomania, he changed tactics again. He seems to have said, “Hm…you know maybe my problem is I’m being too broad. Oh I know! I’ll limit it to BRITISH White Witches! They’re used to having monarchs right?” And so, his title changed (again) to the King of British White Witches. That apparently didn’t work out either. I’m not entirely sure on the reasons why, as he dropped from my radar for several years after that (thank Odin). He does seem to have giving up his aspirations of the crown, as all of his websites now refer to him as the “High Priest of British White Witches.” (Easier to get away with as he is technically the High Priest of his coven and they ARE British White witches) I probably wouldn’t have ever come across him again (and been much happier for it), if I didn’t have a bad habit of random web surfing. I came across this website, more specifically their King Kevin section, (what can I say? I have a morbid curiosity, I saw the link, I clicked the link, I regret it.) which linked me to this news article and then (because I was apparently a masochist for those 10 minutes) this post of theirs.

Oh, King Kevin, have you no shame? Please crawl back in your hole and stay there or I shall be forced to start asking questions about your robes. (Seriously…Bathrobe? Sewn Drapes? The pagan world wants to know!)


King Kevin holds one of his 10 black cats at his home in St. Leonards, Sussex.

Afterword: The Wild Hunt seems to do a decent job keeping up with King Kevin if you’re a glutton for punishment.

Note: The words I use that are spelled funny (e.g. “Magick”) are done so intentionally.


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About schwarherz

My name is Schwarherz, and I'll be your server tonight. The special is Truth with a side of Sarcasm. You want pandering? Sorry we're fresh out. What's that? Have I found Jesus? Why yes I have, turns out he and Thor were playing Hide and Seek and Thor was "It." Can you blame the guy for hiding well? I mean, last time they played there was a nasty incident involving a Cross, Mjölnir, and some nails... P.S. For those of you who speak/read German; yes, I know my name is misspelled. It's done intentionally and symbolically.

2 responses to “King Kevin Carlyon”

  1. Kevin Carlyon says :

    Thank you for the Devoted Worship and spreading the word, adding more followers to my path. Sleep well knowing that You have done your good deed. KevtheWitch

    • schwarherz says :

      Oh hi there Kevin old boy! I wondered how long it would take you to google yourself and come across this article! It would appear that you either a) didn’t read it b) are trying to troll me or c) all of the above. I did pose a question to you at the end, however, that I would like the answer to. Bathrobe or sewn up drapes?

      P.S. save the “thanks for the publicity” crap. You won’t get me to not talk about you by making me think that you’ll get more followers from it. You’ll drive away anyone worth helping/teaching by your sheer insanity.

      P.P.S. Please learn that Magick does not mean “Super Powers”

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